Well, it seems that yet again I’ve somehow ended up on the not so good side of your list and I think it’s time that we had this out!! I know that I’ve done some things this year, and apparently you’ve been keeping a record too, so I probably don’t need to go over it all again. Suffice it to say; yes I took the kids chocolate while they slept, I vetoed calls from annoying (or even just long-winded) family members at times and I may even have said one or two words that were less than appropriate in car parks. But really Santa, who are you to judge? Because let’s face it, you don’t actually have a sterling reputation yourself. Do you really need me to bring up your shortcomings (the way you whip the reindeers to make them fly, the slave labour and sweat shop conditions you subject the elves to, and let’s not even discuss how you are watching a world full of people while they’re sleeping)?
Okay, so before your puffy little cheeks get any redder and I somehow become responsible for Santa’s coronary bypass surgery, just take a breathe. There is a way out of this situation… You have a list, and I have a list. What say, we both quietly fold our lists up and pop them back in our pockets?
Now, because you suddenly can’t find your naughty list anymore (fancy that) all that needs to be resolved is how to get me onto the nice list. So, slowly pick up your pen, and start writing my name – I’ll pm you a list of the good stuff I’ve managed later. Doesn’t that feel good? And now seeing I’m on your nice list, a fact that I’m sure we both feel a lot better about, here is what I want for Christmas (in no particular order of preference)…
1. Just once in the next twelve months, I would like to go to the bathroom on my own. By on my own, I mean completely without interruption, without having to lock the door and hold the lock shut (because somehow those small terrorists have worked out how to pick the lock). Without the sound of breathing under the door or the sight of little fingers pushing notes under that ask me “What are you doing in there mum?” Because really, what on Earth do they think I’m doing in there?
2. I would like one months unlimited use of the force. This would be used completely responsibly and almost never on anyone outside of my immediate family. Mostly, I want it so that when my kids make life painful in the supermarket, I can just wave my hand and say “these are not the lollies you are looking for” and I can actually get out of the shops without a bloodletting.
3. Finally, and this is a big one, I want the cone of silence. I know, it never worked properly for Maxwell Smart and I’m not giving you much time to make repairs or adjustments, so I’m willing to compromise on this one. I don’t care if others can hear me while I’m in the cone, I just don’t want to hear them. And by others, Santa, you know who we really mean. I’ll also make you a promise, I will be totally responsible with this one. The only time I’ll ever use it is when I’m on the phone, because Santa, you would not believe the set of behaviors that happen when mothers get on the phone (or maybe you would, considering that you spend so much time watching us)!
Well that’s it from me Santa. I feel that we’ve made a lot of progress today and I’m less apt to call you a judgmental git than I previously was. Thanks for your help in these small matters and I look forward to working with you in the future.
Lots of love