I’ve saved all the text messages my sister and I sent to each other this year.
I thought it would be comforting to be able to look at them when I’m sad and know that we connected when everything else got stripped away. I saved them but now it’s a bit of a double-edged sword because somehow my last message to her went astray. It didn’t send and now when I look at my phone it has her name and next to that is the line “message send failure”. And I’m not sure whether to laugh or cry. I’m not sure whether to be distressed or comforted. You see I know she would agree that in some ways “message send failure” sums up our relationship perfectly. We spent a lot years trying to communicate with each other but neither of us were very good at getting the message across. It was only in the last months of her life that we managed to strip everything else away and speak the same language. The only language that’s left when all else is taken – Love.
I’m so grateful that we had those moments. Moments where we could look at each other and know that nothing about the past mattered except that we loved each other. Not perfect love, real love. Love that doesn’t need the other person to live up to your standard. Love that sees all the bumps in the road we walked together and all the cracks in each other’s character and says, “that’s okay, you are still beyond precious to me”. So I suppose that in the middle of the pain of saying goodbye to my sister I’m learning about love. I’m learning that love lowers the bar to include us all. I’m learning (in my sister’s words) that “imperfect love is still love”.
Maybe, most of our lives could be summed up as a message send failure – each of us speaking a different language and neither of us understanding the other- but really, that’s okay. That’s okay, because when I scroll past the failure I can see the heart. I can see her message to me “hey bub, love you” and I know that whether the text got there or not, the message finally did and really there was no failure…..